“Step-grandmother, 21, WLTM competent male for fun times. Hobbies include: chainsaw carving; tree felling; rifle shooting; shot-put; strong liquor and crochet. GSOH (usually).”

For a variety of reasons I find myself single again. I will refrain from the “All men are … (insert derogatory term of your choice here) cliché – because that would alienate 90 per cent of my readership. Suffice to say the nice ones are spoken for, or happy as they are. Anyway, your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to: (1) Write me a humorous Lonely Hearts advertisement (none of that online stuff); (2) Recommend a suitable tune and (3) Tell me an amusing anecdote about your romantic failures. The emphasis is on humour, folks, don’t try to be nice to me, I’m through with nice. (BTW, the video is weird).